I finally figured out a way to describe my current pain situation that should be familiar to most people. If you’ve ever had one of those serious leg cramps where you have to forcibly straighten your leg until the muscles relax and let go, or a Charley horse, then you should be familiar with that dull, throbbing, lingering ache that doesn’t go away for a long time after the initial cramp. It’s unpleasant at best, and downright painful at worst. Not nearly as bad as that first blast of agonizing pain, but still not something you enjoy.
Now imagine that you live every day, every hour, every minute feeling as if you’ve had a powerful cramp in every single muscle in your body. Usually not that initial blast of cramping pain (although that hits now and then, too), but that lingering sensation of tight, twitchy, burning unhappiness that fades gradually. Except that in my case, it doesn’t keep fading. Eventually it turns around and gets worse again. Sometimes it almost, almost goes away, but then it returns.
Right now, as I write this, I feel the best I’ve felt all day. My chest doesn’t hurt much, for the first time today. Until about 20 minutes ago, my entire body felt like it was being crushed and toyed with by King Kong. Mashed around, twisted and pulled and torn at both inside and out.
The rest of me, though, still feels pretty lousy. Twisting, tearing feelings in all my leg muscles and most of my arm muscles. It’s even less fun than it sounds, because it just keeps going and going. Day after day after day. I’m so tired of it. So very tired of it.
I did my best to work today. Maybe it was a mistake to try. I did get stuff done. I was able to participate, at least to a decent extent, in several meetings, and I did manage to resolve some documentation issues and have a couple of important message exchanges. I proofread a document for someone. I got sample code for the media docs for Firefox 51 nearly finished. It’s working; just needs final polish before I post it.
It’s just so frustrating that I have no way to predict when surges of being able to work will come. I just know today was not a good day for that. I want so badly to be able to crank out massive amounts of docs that people look at and go “This stuff is amazing! And he did it how fast?” again. So badly. I will keep trying to get there.
There’s a lot going on that’s been keeping me on my toes, medically-speaking. I need surgery to repair some leaks in my circulatory system in my legs, but there will be a few months of jumping through hoops to make insurance happy first. I am working toward getting a promising treatment for my nerve damage, but it will take time to get that off the ground. I don’t know how much time, yet. And then I just found out yesterday that there’s new damage in my neck and I will likely need another spinal surgery to correct it before another nerve root is permanently damaged. In the meantime, at least, the spine issue isn’t adding to my pain. It just worries the neurologists.
As part of my treatment program, which involves a lot of doctors and tests and therapies and medications, I see a therapist. Usually our conversations are reasonably light. She says that it’s amazing that through all of this, I manage to keep a reasonably good sense of humor and I tell her that whining about my problems on my blog and on Facebook and Twitter helps a lot. It kind of does, too. She only just recently saw me hit by a major pain incident in person for the first time. I think it was rather informative for her. She has a better understanding of what I’m dealing with now.
Anyway, time to stop whining about my problems and try to do something useful again. If you made it to this sentence, you’re a rock star and you deserve 10 bonus points! Congratulations!